Instant Gratification

This weekend I learned something about myself. It's only taken me 29 years - but the realization hit me smack in the dome.

I am a person who craves, and almost needs instant gratification in life.

I haven't decided if it's a good or a bad thing yet, but patience is definitely not my strong suit.

As the light bulb went off in the car, Brian looked at me like I was nuts and said "uhhh....yeah! You're just now figuring this out?"  Oops.

Exhibit A:

We are in the middle of selling our house.  It's taking for-ev-er (Sandlot style).  Really, it's only been 4 months so far, and we put it on the market in the slow season hoping for the best.  So I guess it's a short version of forever.

Each and every time we get a call that someone wants to see it, my heart skips a few little beats and I think to myself: this is it!  They'll love our house like we do and we'll have an offer tomorrow!  Then tomorrow comes and zip, zilch, nada.

It's driving me freaking insane.

This weekend Brian wanted to go see a house that we looked at before, but was now bragging new carpets and fresh paint. As he was on the phone with our realtor he said "oh yeah, here's the addresses of a few more we want to see too."

Ahem - "we?".  I don't want to see ANY houses, let alone one we've already seen and liked the first time around.  Why?  It's frustrating as fuck.  We aren't made of money - so we can't qualify for a second loan until our current house sells. We can't even rent our current house out because we'd have to ask for less in rent than the mortgage already is and pay the difference.  Not an option.

So why in the hell would I want to start house hunting now? What happens when we find a house that I absolutely fall in love with and we can't do jack shit?! Then it sells while we're still waiting for our house to sell and we're back and square one with me being pissy and bummed out that we're stuck again.

I want our house to sell NOW.  I want to find a new house that we'll fall in love with and get NOW. This waiting crap is for the BIRDS.

Exhibit B

This wedding.  It's simple things that have made me realize that I need this instant gratification - this is just the latest one. I haven't purchased my jewelry, shoes, or some under things yet.  But I have collected most of my bridesmaids shoes from them so that I can drop them off to be dyed.

Two of my girls wear the same size as me, so I thought well I'll just try theirs on and order mine based on that.  Then, I forgot to try them on.

As I sat at work the other day I felt this weird desperate need to buy my shoes. As in I would be fully screwed if I didn't sit down and order them RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

So I hopped online, pulled up the 2 pairs I wanted and was prepared to put each one in 2 different sizes in my cart!  "I'll just return the ones that don't look good", I thought to myself.

Are you kidding me?  You can't return those suckers to the store so I'd be paying double shipping to send them back!

I somehow calmed my shoe anxiety and quickly closed the website and moved along with my day.

All of this has got me thinking - perhaps this is why I've failed at my weight loss so many times in the past few years.  I go for a few weeks at a time where the scale either doesn't move, or microscopically moves up or down and BOOM.  My frustration seeps in because I don't instantly see results.

I think - eh, oh well.  My body just doesn't want to lose the weight so it really doesn't matter what happens now.  Then I eat my body weight in pizza and cheese toast from Dion's.

Not the way to be successful!

But, doesn't the old saying go something like you can't fix it unless you know what's broken?  Maybe I just made that up? Oh well, it sounds legit.

So now - new focus.  Starting small with this weight loss stuff.  Stay on track - realize that the weight didn't come on overnight so it's not going to fall off overnight and just DEAL WITH IT!!!!

Turtle Pace, Superbowl, and All Things Random

It is NO. JOKE. that metabolism slows down with age.  When I first dropped the 25ish pounds a few years ago, I was 26 and it felt like the weight flew off.  I'm only 29 now, but I can definitely tell/feel the change in my body.  In January I lost a total of 7.2 pounds, and while I know that's a lot - it was still semi-frustrating to me that the pace has slowed down so much.

Before, I would be charting 2 and 3 lb losses each week.

Now, I'm lucky if I get over a pound.

I keep reminding myself that the fact that the number is lower is all that matters.  I'm thankful that it's changing at all!

My family is noticing the change too, which helps keep my head in the game.  Brian makes comments about how my pants are fitting a bit more loosely which I love.

My engagement ring is becoming a bit looser on my finger as well.  It's the small things, people!

I put myself to the test on Superbowl Sunday and I failed miserably. Jenny and Jeff (future SIL and BIL) decided to start P90X again the following day so they wanted to go down in flames.

Mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, taquitos, 7 layer dip, chips, meatballs in green chile sauce, pot stickers, chocolate eclairs for dessert.

Oy.

I made my own cheese sticks with low fat string cheese and egg roll wrappers and although I did eat a few of those instead of the other choice - that didn't stop me from literally shoveling all the rest of the junk food into my pie hole.

No joke, it was like someone took over my body and just kept on a'shoveling. I had no willpower what so ever.

And although it was massively disappointing and I totally let myself down, I did what I did and had to get back to it.

So Monday found me counting my calories again, and my booty was on the treadmill at the gym doing my C25K.

I've already admitted to the fact that I'm a religious scale hopper.  I didn't weight myself on Monday because I knew I'd get discouraged and say "oh well!" But I did weigh myself yesterday and guess what? I had LOST WEIGHT!

Further proof to myself that if I "just keep swimming" I'll be ok in the end.

I also bit the bullet and called to schedule an alterations appointment for my wedding dress.  Right now it fits me pretty well, but that's not what I want .... I want to take that sucker in!

So knowing that there is a set date in my head where I will be fitted helps me a little bit too.  I've already told my MIL that I'll try on the dress the next time I'm at her house for dinner, which will be not this Sunday but next.  Here's to hoping it's a teensy tiny bit looser! =)))))

In other random news, Brian and I are going to get our wedding registry done tonight.  I am SO EXCITED for this part!  Hopefully our house will sell before the wedding, and we'll be able to "start fresh" with lots of new goodies for the new place!

And I also think that it's finally HIT me that the wedding is just a little over 3 months away now.  YIKES!

114 Days until I'm a Mrs.!!!!!!!

Some Jillian Wisdom

Last night I had the workout from hell.  No, I didn't use a personal trainer and get my ass handed to me.  Not even close.  I did 30DS in my living room, and attempted the elliptical.  I just could NOT get myself motivated!  The battery of my HRM died (I hope that's the problem) and I'm kinda glad it did because I'm sure my "burn" would have been pretty pathetic.  I even watched The Biggest Loser trying to use THAT to kick it up a notch.  Oh well.  At least I did it.

Jillian did, however, have some words of wisdom that really hit home.  I deleted the episode like a dummy, but she was talking to Francelina and said something like "you gain, you lose, you gain, you lose, then you self sabotage". 

Ding ding ding ding!!  I totally have been doing that!! For like, 2 years!

Let's take a little walk through time, shall we?  Rewind: October, 2009.  I knew I was tipping the scales, and especially knew it when I saw this picture from that Halloween:

I don't know why this turned out blurry, but whatev, you get the message.

It took me a few months, but finally that January I joined Weight Watchers weight in at about 179.  I dropped 25 lbs in about 3-4ish months.  I was feeling on top of the world, and that's when Brian and I started dating.  

I'm on the far left in case you couldn't recognize me by the skinny face!

In the first 5 months we were together and falling in looovvvee (cue: collective aaahhhhh sighs!) I totally blew WW off and did whatever I wanted.  That meant letting him cook me breakfasts filled with pancakes, bacon, waffles.  Going to dinner and not thinking twice about Points of calories or anything. So within those first few months I gained every. single. pound. back.

Why no, I'm not 7 months pregnant.  That's just my chub!

From then on I'd join WW, lose about 8-10 lbs, get frustrated or make up another excuse, and quit. Then I'd gain that weight back, lose it again, and so on.  But in the past few years I haven't been able to get below 175 and when I started with Spark People and counting calories at the end of December, I weighted in at a whopping 190.  Yikes.  

When Brian and I were getting ready to take our engagement pictures in November, I had to buy a size 14 jean.  That's the largest size I've ever been, and I'm so ashamed of it.  

I didn't have a huge epiphany when I heard Jillian say those words about self sabotage .... but something in my brain did click.  I KNOW I sabotage myself - it's just hard to put my finger on WHY I do.

I always try to remember how good I felt when I had lost all the wait in 2010. It was the night that Brian and I were to arrange our first date and my whole group of friends was to meet at our friend J's house to watch some UFC.  Trying to figure out what to wear so I would look cute, I pulled out a pair of non-stretch Old Navy jeans.  I had bought them when I worked there for about 4 bucks, thinking they'd fit.  Well, they never did, but I held onto them because they were 4 bucks. I giggled at myself for even wanting to try them on, but I did anyway.  To my SHOCK, they fit PERFECTLY.  With even a teeny tiny bit of room to spare.

No joke...I happy danced myself all over my room.  I jumped around, fist pumped, and partied like it was 1999.

THAT'S the feeling that I want to have again.  I want to be THAT proud of myself.  I want to NOT freak out when someone notices I've dropped a few pounds and think to myself "Well, you're gonna get stuck and don't wanna hear it from people, so go ahead and get that large extra value meal!"

YaknowwhatI'msayin?!

So, to make a long ramble short, THAT is my goal.  That feeling.  I don't care what the scale says (ok, liar liar pants on fire I do care a little bit).  I just want to feel good again.  So I'll keep thinking of Jillian's words, and stop with the self sabotage already!!!

Just Keep Truckin'

That's all I've been doing.  Slowly but surely, day by day.

I had a good WI on Saturday (I forgot to WI on Friday, oops).  I lost 3.2 bringing me down to 186.1.  It was SO good to see that scale move.

I'm a dedicated scale cheater.  I really like to weight myself daily so that I'm not disappointed on Friday's.  I'm trying to work on that habit because I tend to become scale obsessed, and that's not good. Last week I was ready to chuck my scale out the window and go by a "fancier" one because I was convinced that mine was broken since the number wouldn't move down.  Not the case!!

Funny thing about my loss is that I had weighed myself Thursday morning and the number hadn't budged.  I got pissed and told Brian "forget it!! this is bullshit...I'm cheating tonight.  I want General Tso's Chicken and a crap ton of brown rice".  He obliged and even though I still watched my portions, it wasn't where I wanted to be calorie wise.

Even though it was a cheat, I still tracked it which is a bonus for me.

And apparently the extra calorie boost (oh, and the 4 glasses of wine) was what I needed to see that number drop a bit.

It was also the motivation I needed to realize that I was being a dumb ass and don't need to give up over one bad day on the scale.

So I've been truckin' along, doing my thang on the elliptical every day/night - and yesterday I got back on the 30DS bandwagon.

If you know me...you'll know that I am NOT a morning person, so this next part should blow you away.

Last night around 9 I got a phone call from our school district saying that our pitiful amount of snow was causing us to be on a 2 hour delay today.

Instead of using those 2 hours for extra sleep....I got up at my normal time which is crack of doom o'thirty. After stretching and giving myself a few pep talks I suited up and did 30DS in my living room. That took about 25ish minutes....then I hauled my not a morning person ass into the bedroom and hopped on the elliptical for another 35ish minutes.  What the what?!

Guess what?

I felt great.

It was an awesome start to my morning!  Brian is out of town for work, so that made it a little easier because I wasn't waking him up by being in our room.  Problem?  Doing this on a regular basis would mean me getting up by about 4:20, give or take 10 minutes.

Am I that dedicated?  I'm not sure.  That's what this week is about...trial and error while Brian is gone.

I usually have no problem working out in the afternoon....but I gotta tell you.  I'm home, in my relaxing clothes right now watching my DVR'd shows and knowing that I don't have to go jump on Bob (the elliptical, don't ask) is really nice.  I've already felt the burn today.  I'm actually thinking about going for a round 2, but I don't wanna burn myself out.

So we'll see....but for now....juuuuuuust keep truckin'.

Weighty Issues

I've changed this blog about a million times.  I've added posts, deleted posts, started fresh and then not written at all. How annoying! I'm finally to a point where I realize that I'm writing for me, and that's what matters.  I don't have to link to a million people to try and gain an audience - and if someone stumbles upon me an likes what they read, great!  If not, I'll move it on and be just fine.

That being said, it's not new for me to talk about my weight.  It sucks.  A big fat one. I've been up and down like a roller coaster and it's just not a fun ride anymore.  I want the hell off of it!  

The fact that my wedding is less than 5 months away has come up and slapped me right in the face. It's time to face facts -  I'm fat.  I'm embarrassed by how I look in pictures, case in point:

This was taken over the holidays at a family get together.  I bought the shirt because it was layered and I thought it would hide some of my flub.  WRONG! Try again!!  Look at the chunk-a-lunk face and the rolls.  Yikes.

So of course as the new year was rung in, I knew that was my time to get with it.  I signed up for SparkPeople and started counting my calories.  I also hit the 30 Day Shred pretty damn hard and I was ROCKING it.  I was SO proud of myself ... I did 4 solid days - which doesn't seem like much - but for someone who sits on the couch with her DVR usually, it's big.

Then, it happened.

I got sick.

I went out with the girls Thursday night and killed it at the bar - meaning I ordered a salad and stuck to my Bacardi and diets. I was super proud! I went home with a sore throat but chalked it up to yelling across a table for 4 hours.  Nope.  Woke up on Friday and got smacked in the face with a nasty cold. 

I'm smart enough to know that a cold isn't the end of the world. I ate decently over the weekend, but didn't get off the couch to track my calories so I know I went over.  

It's just so....FRUSTRATING.  I wanted to get up and work out, so I changed clothes and stretched only to throw myself into a coughing fit that said "nope...not ready yet!" Lame, party of one?!

All of my friends have hopped on the healthy wagon which is awesome - but I want to be on it too!  I want this to work so badly and I'm terrified of failing.  What if I can't fit into my wedding dress?! I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and be disappointed in myself and my weight. Even as silly as it sounds to say that out loud!

Also - Brian and I want a family, big time.  I'll probably be off of the pill by the end of the summer. And I don't want to skyrocket over 200 lbs when I'm pregnant!  I want to start off our family by being healthy - not a big unhealthy mess!

I will say that I'm finally getting over the dumb cold. Yesterday I was bound and determined and I succeeded.  I went home, put on work out clothes and hopped on the elliptical.  I put on Monday's The Biggest Loser and I went to town.  Before I knew it, I had gone for 80 minutes and the episode was over! I was SUPER proud of myself!  Buuuuttt then I got off and hocked up a lung on the bedroom floor.  Fun!

Fingers are still crossed that this is a battle I WILL win!  Stay tuned for updates....