Grown Up Decisions

Life seems to be full of them lately.  Later this afternoon (Friday), Brian and I will be meeting with the bank to see about getting pre-qualified for our home loan.  We want to be ready to move when our house sells, not waiting around on some bank.

But that is only the beginning.  I've had a lot on my mind this week, especially when it comes to one particular grown up decision.

See, Brian and I have been talking about babies.  A lot.  Before, when we'd talk about it he'd always say "someday when we're completely ready."

And I'd say, "what does that mean? when are we EVER going to be completely ready? we're never ever going to be in a financial place where we can say oh yeah, we'll never need another dollar, we're good to go." Not to mention, we're not getting any younger!

He would worry about which insurance we'd use, would he make enough money alone to support us if I had to take some extra time off of work, etc, etc etc.

Trust me, I know that these are totally rational fears and things to think through.

My mentality is a bit different, though. I'm more of a "well, we've been fine so far and always found a way to work through things - we'll do the same with a baby!'

Apparently, though, he's been thinking about things a lot more recently.

We came home the other night and as we were getting ready for bed, I grabbed my pack of pills to pop my daily little anti-baby nugget. He watched me take it, and then said "Probably that should be your last pack of those, don't you think?"

I totally deer-in-the-headlights him. Usually it would be ME to say something like that, and him tell me that I don't think things through, we need to be ready, blah blah blah.

We were both tired, so we just said a few words about it and then climbed into bed.

I haven't stopped thinking about it yet.  Could this really be my last pack of birth control pills? Holy crap.  That would mean that we could potentially be parents by the end of 2013!! Holy mind blower Batman!

The thought of it gives me butterflies and makes my stomach roll at the same time.  But not in a bad way, if that makes sense.  I can't WAIT to have a family, especially with Brian.  My kids are going to be SO lucky to have him as a father. But the REALITY of the fact that it could happen SOON is just a slap in the face crazy weird awakening!

My initial thought has been that I will take my pills for one more month. That will put us one month closer to the wedding, you know, just in case.

But, recently, 2 of my friends have really struggled to get pregnant. One was false struggles, the Dr told her that they were probably infertile, then when she went to the specialist for their first appointment, it turns out they were already pregnant.

The other one is just starting the process, but hasn't really been ovulating on her own.

That's what really got me thinking.  I have been on the pill for a looonnnggggg time, and I honestly can't say that I know 100% that I will ovulate on my own without it.  You never know!!!

So, after thinking about it for most of the week, Brian and I are going to talk about it a little bit more tonight. We are going on a date to fulfill our Pre Cana requirements so it'll be a nice romantical time to talk about it. I think that making this my last pack of pills is a good idea.

Not to mention, I have my next lady dr appointment in June, so if by some chance my body doesn't do what it's supposed to do I'll have it on record by that time and we can discuss it more in depth.

GROWN UP DECISIONS!! When did I become grown up enough to make them for myself?!?!?!? Here goes nothin!!

Instant Gratification

This weekend I learned something about myself. It's only taken me 29 years - but the realization hit me smack in the dome.

I am a person who craves, and almost needs instant gratification in life.

I haven't decided if it's a good or a bad thing yet, but patience is definitely not my strong suit.

As the light bulb went off in the car, Brian looked at me like I was nuts and said "uhhh....yeah! You're just now figuring this out?"  Oops.

Exhibit A:

We are in the middle of selling our house.  It's taking for-ev-er (Sandlot style).  Really, it's only been 4 months so far, and we put it on the market in the slow season hoping for the best.  So I guess it's a short version of forever.

Each and every time we get a call that someone wants to see it, my heart skips a few little beats and I think to myself: this is it!  They'll love our house like we do and we'll have an offer tomorrow!  Then tomorrow comes and zip, zilch, nada.

It's driving me freaking insane.

This weekend Brian wanted to go see a house that we looked at before, but was now bragging new carpets and fresh paint. As he was on the phone with our realtor he said "oh yeah, here's the addresses of a few more we want to see too."

Ahem - "we?".  I don't want to see ANY houses, let alone one we've already seen and liked the first time around.  Why?  It's frustrating as fuck.  We aren't made of money - so we can't qualify for a second loan until our current house sells. We can't even rent our current house out because we'd have to ask for less in rent than the mortgage already is and pay the difference.  Not an option.

So why in the hell would I want to start house hunting now? What happens when we find a house that I absolutely fall in love with and we can't do jack shit?! Then it sells while we're still waiting for our house to sell and we're back and square one with me being pissy and bummed out that we're stuck again.

I want our house to sell NOW.  I want to find a new house that we'll fall in love with and get NOW. This waiting crap is for the BIRDS.

Exhibit B

This wedding.  It's simple things that have made me realize that I need this instant gratification - this is just the latest one. I haven't purchased my jewelry, shoes, or some under things yet.  But I have collected most of my bridesmaids shoes from them so that I can drop them off to be dyed.

Two of my girls wear the same size as me, so I thought well I'll just try theirs on and order mine based on that.  Then, I forgot to try them on.

As I sat at work the other day I felt this weird desperate need to buy my shoes. As in I would be fully screwed if I didn't sit down and order them RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

So I hopped online, pulled up the 2 pairs I wanted and was prepared to put each one in 2 different sizes in my cart!  "I'll just return the ones that don't look good", I thought to myself.

Are you kidding me?  You can't return those suckers to the store so I'd be paying double shipping to send them back!

I somehow calmed my shoe anxiety and quickly closed the website and moved along with my day.

All of this has got me thinking - perhaps this is why I've failed at my weight loss so many times in the past few years.  I go for a few weeks at a time where the scale either doesn't move, or microscopically moves up or down and BOOM.  My frustration seeps in because I don't instantly see results.

I think - eh, oh well.  My body just doesn't want to lose the weight so it really doesn't matter what happens now.  Then I eat my body weight in pizza and cheese toast from Dion's.

Not the way to be successful!

But, doesn't the old saying go something like you can't fix it unless you know what's broken?  Maybe I just made that up? Oh well, it sounds legit.

So now - new focus.  Starting small with this weight loss stuff.  Stay on track - realize that the weight didn't come on overnight so it's not going to fall off overnight and just DEAL WITH IT!!!!

The One Where I Brag on My Man

Last week was terrible.

Awful.

It stunk.

It's all a post of it's own - but the point is that I came home from work almost every single day disheartened and all around bummed out.  The best part of that?  I only technically worked for 3 days!  It's also the cause of my lack of posts - I had NO energy to get things done!!

That's where Brian came in.  Something was a little different in him last week and whatever it was, I hope it sticks around!!

See, Brian is an all around amazing guy.  We fight like hell sometimes - but he really does treat me like a Queen. It's just that last week, my pedestal was a little bit higher than it usually is - which makes me want to brag a bit and always remember the week from hell turned awesome because of him.

By Wednesday morning I wanted to throw the alarm clock away and call in sick to work. But as any teacher knows - it was the day before Valentine's Day, we were off of school on the actual VDay, and that means that I had already promised my kids their VDay party that afternoon.  I was screwed - work here I come.

My morning started off shitty again - until around 10 when I got a call from the office that I had a delivery.

The red ones are my favorite!! 

My sweet fiance had my normal VDay flowers sent a day earlier because he knew I'd be in Parent/Teacher conferences all day Thursday and wouldn't really get to enjoy them.  I got a beautiful bouquet of red, white, and pink tulips (one of my faves!) to stare at all day long.

Thursday morning I somehow managed to turn off my alarm and woke up over an hour late.  I was in a COMPLETE panic with only 15 minutes to get ready and out the door.

Nothing says f$#&ing awesome like getting to meet with parents ALL day without having had time to shower!! YUMMY!

Again, my sweet fiance got up with me, packed my gym bag for me (although he held up a tank top and asked "is this a sports bra?" - at least I got to laugh a little!), packed my lunch, packed my school bag, AND made me breakfast. (See why I have to get up so early? I'm a procrastinator and spend most of the morning gathering my random crap to shove into the right bag!)

As I got to work and pulled out my laptop I noticed it wasn't closed all the way.  I immediately turned bitchy again thinking "juuuuust great it wasn't shut all the way and now it's probably broken from being shoved into my bag".

Wrong!

I opened it to find the cutest note ever telling me that it was all going to be ok.  Topped with one of the tulips out of my bouquet! That sneaky man of mine somehow found time to do that as I was rushing around the house like a pissed off hurricane.

Swoon!!

I came home from the gym to find the house completely spotless. When I left it looked like a tornado had gone through it!  My love had gotten off early, cleaned his heart out, gotten a low calorie dinner started for us, and there was another big pot of flowers on the dining room table for me.  

Can you tell what my favorite color is?!

He then asked what he could get for me.

Would I like a beer?  A glass of wine?  A cocktail of some kind?

Could he start a nice hot bubble bath for me?  Get me my Nook so I could catch up on my crap ass gossip magazines or finish my current book?

And did I mention that this was all less than a week after he got all 4 wisdom teeth pulled AND had a run in with dry socket?

Anyway - we had a nice dinner and a completely relaxing evening.

Friday went off without a hitch, thankfully.  I don't think I could have taken much more!  I only had to work a half day, was able to get to the gym, come home and nap before Brian and I met with my Dad and brother for dinner.  Even then he made me smile again by sneaking our server his card to pay before she even brought us the check.  I love that he thinks about my family so much and wants to do nice things for them too, even as simple as picking up a tab.

Disclaimer: I feel the need to say that obviously our relationship isn't perfect, it's far from it.  Most of the things that happened last week involved material things - and my point in writing this wasn't to display all material things - but the thoughtfulness and love behind them.  Brian is constantly doing small things for me and I appreciate each and every one of them more than he'll ever know.

It's just that last week was a small taste of hell in my world and each and every little thing he did for me helped to turn it around. I am so in love with that man!!

Turtle Pace, Superbowl, and All Things Random

It is NO. JOKE. that metabolism slows down with age.  When I first dropped the 25ish pounds a few years ago, I was 26 and it felt like the weight flew off.  I'm only 29 now, but I can definitely tell/feel the change in my body.  In January I lost a total of 7.2 pounds, and while I know that's a lot - it was still semi-frustrating to me that the pace has slowed down so much.

Before, I would be charting 2 and 3 lb losses each week.

Now, I'm lucky if I get over a pound.

I keep reminding myself that the fact that the number is lower is all that matters.  I'm thankful that it's changing at all!

My family is noticing the change too, which helps keep my head in the game.  Brian makes comments about how my pants are fitting a bit more loosely which I love.

My engagement ring is becoming a bit looser on my finger as well.  It's the small things, people!

I put myself to the test on Superbowl Sunday and I failed miserably. Jenny and Jeff (future SIL and BIL) decided to start P90X again the following day so they wanted to go down in flames.

Mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, taquitos, 7 layer dip, chips, meatballs in green chile sauce, pot stickers, chocolate eclairs for dessert.

Oy.

I made my own cheese sticks with low fat string cheese and egg roll wrappers and although I did eat a few of those instead of the other choice - that didn't stop me from literally shoveling all the rest of the junk food into my pie hole.

No joke, it was like someone took over my body and just kept on a'shoveling. I had no willpower what so ever.

And although it was massively disappointing and I totally let myself down, I did what I did and had to get back to it.

So Monday found me counting my calories again, and my booty was on the treadmill at the gym doing my C25K.

I've already admitted to the fact that I'm a religious scale hopper.  I didn't weight myself on Monday because I knew I'd get discouraged and say "oh well!" But I did weigh myself yesterday and guess what? I had LOST WEIGHT!

Further proof to myself that if I "just keep swimming" I'll be ok in the end.

I also bit the bullet and called to schedule an alterations appointment for my wedding dress.  Right now it fits me pretty well, but that's not what I want .... I want to take that sucker in!

So knowing that there is a set date in my head where I will be fitted helps me a little bit too.  I've already told my MIL that I'll try on the dress the next time I'm at her house for dinner, which will be not this Sunday but next.  Here's to hoping it's a teensy tiny bit looser! =)))))

In other random news, Brian and I are going to get our wedding registry done tonight.  I am SO EXCITED for this part!  Hopefully our house will sell before the wedding, and we'll be able to "start fresh" with lots of new goodies for the new place!

And I also think that it's finally HIT me that the wedding is just a little over 3 months away now.  YIKES!

114 Days until I'm a Mrs.!!!!!!!

Birthdays Vegas Style

Last Saturday was both my MOH and bestie, and my best guy friends birthday.  In the past we have celebrated by taking a trip somewhere up north in NM where we can rent out a cozy cabin and play in the snow for the long weekend.

This year we decided to save some money and do something a little different.

For about 3 years in a row we celebrated my birthday in Vegas.  We haven't gone for the past 2 years because everyone has been getting married and/or engaged and it's just too darned expensive.

Soooo, we decided that for Dig and Jay's birthdays we'd bring Vegas to US!

And boy did we!

Janean and Lauren ordered a TON of decorations and totally transformed Jay and Janean's house into a mini Vegas!  A whole room set up to look like a club (and one of our favorite clubs at that, The Rockhouse!).  Another room had casino games and the dining room table was converted into a poker table where the guys spent most of their night.

Dance Party 2013!

Each of the birthday kids got their own Vegas inspired drink and I made 100% totally homemade Vegas inspired cupcakes for each of them.

Dig's Vegas drink named after her favorite slot machine!

Jay had some purple ddrraannnkkk

Side note:  Super proud and boastful of myself with those damn cupcakes.  I made Jay a Guinness chocolate cupcake with Bailey's Irish Cream frosting, and I made Dig a white russian cupcake that was brushed with Kahlua and had a little vodka and Kahlua in the whipped cream frosting.  YUMMO!!!

Y-U-M

N.E.Wayz (did anyone else used to write like that?! Anyone? No?  MAN how annoying that is!) - we danced and drank and laughed the night away.  We also made it a potluck event so there was a TON of Vegas-y foods to get down on.

My love was a HOT PIECE in his suit! Ow Ow!!

 I'm pretty partial to my own birthday - but all in all I have to say that this is most definitely one for the record books.  As in one of the best parties that we've ever thrown and that says a LOT because several of us have been friends for like 15 years.

Wedding World 2013

That's what I'm calling this mess.  Ok, it's not a mess - but it's makin me a little nuts.  Bride Brain has officially kicked in and sometimes thinking about what still has to be done can be super overwhelming.

This weekend I finally ordered our guest book and our serving set.  Then I had a teeny tiny meltdown when I realized that I had spent 100 bones on 2 dinky items.  Why the crap are weddings so expensive?  I had my second teeny tiny meltdown when I realized that I had forgotten to order the flower girl basket.  So now I'm going to hope that David's Bridal has one in our color because I will sit  down on the floor and throw a fit if I have to spend an extra 10 bucks on shipping! Yuck.

I have to take a minute to be grateful for my future mother in law, Carmen.  She used to be a wedding planner of sorts, so she's really helped me to take this on.  My Mom got married in a court house, my Grandma thinks spending 10 dollars on something is too much, and the 2 aunts that could really help me live out of state.  So Brian's mom has really been a big help to me!

Enter: The Rehearsal Dinner (Cue: dramatic lowering of the lights and dun dun duuunnnnnnn music).

This part of the planning was stressing me out to the max.  Carmen and Erv (FIL) offered to pay for it because it's part of he groom's parents responsibilities, but also because the truly wanted to.  So about a month ago I started looking up some restaurants to see what was out there.  I live in a bigger city, but we don't have a lot of options when it comes to this stuff.  And I was pretty shocked and intimidated when I saw the price tags attached to renting a room and having a simple buffet!

So I did what any girl would do.  I ignored it.  I would tell Carmen "Oh yeah I've been looking but haven't decided yet" every time she talked about it.

Well, she caught onto me and (thankfully) went behind my back and did it all for me!  Can I get a WOOP WOOP!

This might piss some brides off .... but noooottttt me.  

See, we already have a large wedding party.  And being that it'll be a Catholic ceremony, we needed ushers, readers, people to carry the gifts, etc.  And we also have a few family members helping out with things like the music, etc.  So when I wrote out a list of people and their guests, our list was well over 50 people for just a rehearsal dinner!  So looking at the menu prices for some of these places just gave me a knot in my stomach.  How would we ask them to pay that? Wouldn't it be easier just to grill some burgers and dogs in someones backyard?  Come on people! You're killin me!

But, it didn't kill Carmen and she called around until she settled on El Pinto - a great little Mexican restaurant with a great environment.  It's one I had looked at before .... but my jaw dropped when I saw that one of the cheaper buffet options was THIRTY DOLLARS A PERSON!  Yeah, you can do the math on that one. 

When she called to tell me she had made the reservation, that stupid little knot came right back.  I called Brian to talk to him about it because I felt so bad that they'd be spending that much money on us!!  He felt bad too, so he talked with his parents and they assured us to the moon and back that this was what they wanted to do, and that they were happy to do it for us.  

Can we say amazing?  I am SO grateful for this!!!! Not only have they helped us out in so many other aspects of this wedding, but this just makes me appreciate them so so much (not like I already didn't, but you know!).  She totally saved me from Bridezilla-ing out! 

Not to mention, I'm also thankful that she isn't a mother-in-law-zilla (totally made that up) and that she plans things like this that I actually like!  Another point for Carmen!

Man, weddings are HARD!

Some Jillian Wisdom

Last night I had the workout from hell.  No, I didn't use a personal trainer and get my ass handed to me.  Not even close.  I did 30DS in my living room, and attempted the elliptical.  I just could NOT get myself motivated!  The battery of my HRM died (I hope that's the problem) and I'm kinda glad it did because I'm sure my "burn" would have been pretty pathetic.  I even watched The Biggest Loser trying to use THAT to kick it up a notch.  Oh well.  At least I did it.

Jillian did, however, have some words of wisdom that really hit home.  I deleted the episode like a dummy, but she was talking to Francelina and said something like "you gain, you lose, you gain, you lose, then you self sabotage". 

Ding ding ding ding!!  I totally have been doing that!! For like, 2 years!

Let's take a little walk through time, shall we?  Rewind: October, 2009.  I knew I was tipping the scales, and especially knew it when I saw this picture from that Halloween:

I don't know why this turned out blurry, but whatev, you get the message.

It took me a few months, but finally that January I joined Weight Watchers weight in at about 179.  I dropped 25 lbs in about 3-4ish months.  I was feeling on top of the world, and that's when Brian and I started dating.  

I'm on the far left in case you couldn't recognize me by the skinny face!

In the first 5 months we were together and falling in looovvvee (cue: collective aaahhhhh sighs!) I totally blew WW off and did whatever I wanted.  That meant letting him cook me breakfasts filled with pancakes, bacon, waffles.  Going to dinner and not thinking twice about Points of calories or anything. So within those first few months I gained every. single. pound. back.

Why no, I'm not 7 months pregnant.  That's just my chub!

From then on I'd join WW, lose about 8-10 lbs, get frustrated or make up another excuse, and quit. Then I'd gain that weight back, lose it again, and so on.  But in the past few years I haven't been able to get below 175 and when I started with Spark People and counting calories at the end of December, I weighted in at a whopping 190.  Yikes.  

When Brian and I were getting ready to take our engagement pictures in November, I had to buy a size 14 jean.  That's the largest size I've ever been, and I'm so ashamed of it.  

I didn't have a huge epiphany when I heard Jillian say those words about self sabotage .... but something in my brain did click.  I KNOW I sabotage myself - it's just hard to put my finger on WHY I do.

I always try to remember how good I felt when I had lost all the wait in 2010. It was the night that Brian and I were to arrange our first date and my whole group of friends was to meet at our friend J's house to watch some UFC.  Trying to figure out what to wear so I would look cute, I pulled out a pair of non-stretch Old Navy jeans.  I had bought them when I worked there for about 4 bucks, thinking they'd fit.  Well, they never did, but I held onto them because they were 4 bucks. I giggled at myself for even wanting to try them on, but I did anyway.  To my SHOCK, they fit PERFECTLY.  With even a teeny tiny bit of room to spare.

No joke...I happy danced myself all over my room.  I jumped around, fist pumped, and partied like it was 1999.

THAT'S the feeling that I want to have again.  I want to be THAT proud of myself.  I want to NOT freak out when someone notices I've dropped a few pounds and think to myself "Well, you're gonna get stuck and don't wanna hear it from people, so go ahead and get that large extra value meal!"

YaknowwhatI'msayin?!

So, to make a long ramble short, THAT is my goal.  That feeling.  I don't care what the scale says (ok, liar liar pants on fire I do care a little bit).  I just want to feel good again.  So I'll keep thinking of Jillian's words, and stop with the self sabotage already!!!

Just Keep Truckin'

That's all I've been doing.  Slowly but surely, day by day.

I had a good WI on Saturday (I forgot to WI on Friday, oops).  I lost 3.2 bringing me down to 186.1.  It was SO good to see that scale move.

I'm a dedicated scale cheater.  I really like to weight myself daily so that I'm not disappointed on Friday's.  I'm trying to work on that habit because I tend to become scale obsessed, and that's not good. Last week I was ready to chuck my scale out the window and go by a "fancier" one because I was convinced that mine was broken since the number wouldn't move down.  Not the case!!

Funny thing about my loss is that I had weighed myself Thursday morning and the number hadn't budged.  I got pissed and told Brian "forget it!! this is bullshit...I'm cheating tonight.  I want General Tso's Chicken and a crap ton of brown rice".  He obliged and even though I still watched my portions, it wasn't where I wanted to be calorie wise.

Even though it was a cheat, I still tracked it which is a bonus for me.

And apparently the extra calorie boost (oh, and the 4 glasses of wine) was what I needed to see that number drop a bit.

It was also the motivation I needed to realize that I was being a dumb ass and don't need to give up over one bad day on the scale.

So I've been truckin' along, doing my thang on the elliptical every day/night - and yesterday I got back on the 30DS bandwagon.

If you know me...you'll know that I am NOT a morning person, so this next part should blow you away.

Last night around 9 I got a phone call from our school district saying that our pitiful amount of snow was causing us to be on a 2 hour delay today.

Instead of using those 2 hours for extra sleep....I got up at my normal time which is crack of doom o'thirty. After stretching and giving myself a few pep talks I suited up and did 30DS in my living room. That took about 25ish minutes....then I hauled my not a morning person ass into the bedroom and hopped on the elliptical for another 35ish minutes.  What the what?!

Guess what?

I felt great.

It was an awesome start to my morning!  Brian is out of town for work, so that made it a little easier because I wasn't waking him up by being in our room.  Problem?  Doing this on a regular basis would mean me getting up by about 4:20, give or take 10 minutes.

Am I that dedicated?  I'm not sure.  That's what this week is about...trial and error while Brian is gone.

I usually have no problem working out in the afternoon....but I gotta tell you.  I'm home, in my relaxing clothes right now watching my DVR'd shows and knowing that I don't have to go jump on Bob (the elliptical, don't ask) is really nice.  I've already felt the burn today.  I'm actually thinking about going for a round 2, but I don't wanna burn myself out.

So we'll see....but for now....juuuuuuust keep truckin'.

The Cabin

The holidays were a little bit different this year. We've done the family balancing act in the past - but this year my Grammy decided to spend Christmas with my Aunt in Arizona. Read: my side of the family wouldn't be getting together since Gram is the anchor. 

Since both of Brian's parents birthdays fall right before Christmas, and his mom was turning the big 6-oh this year, we decided to do something a bit different.  We decided that we'd all head up to the family's cabin the week before Christmas to just plain ole relax.  

Side view of the most peaceful place I know!

I ended up lucking out and being able to take the last 2 days before break off of work.  That in itself was a small miracle.  It isn't looked upon highly for teachers to have subs in their classrooms right before a huge break!  Thank you, Principal! You made my holiday rock!!

So, Wednesday the 19th, aka Carmen's birthday, we headed up as soon as I could get out of work. Carmen and Ervey were already there with Samuel and Della.  Jenny, Jeff and Sofia headed up about an hour after we did.

Let me just tell you....this cabin is like a sanctuary. Up until about 6 months ago, there wasn't even cell phone service.  It's just that isolated. On our last trip up in October, Carmen had DirecTV installed because we figured it might be smart to catch the news every now and then and not be totally cut off from civilization. It's the one place where we can go and NOT worry about work, what's going on at home, what we're stressed about, ANYthing. Most of the time I don't even wear anything besides PJ's or sweats.  We shower when we want to, if we want  to, and it's fantastic.

Matter of fact, this time, we had NO running water.  Period.  It was cold, and snowy and we didn't want to risk the pipes bursting.  So we went running water free. I never thought I'd say this - but it was pretty sweet "roughin it".  We always bring drinking water, and Carmen's cousin Chrissy lives at the bottom of the mountain - so we were able to fill up jugs for dishes and things like that.  

Anyway - cabin trips always start out the same.  Get there, unload, put food away, set up drink station, drink.  Then we mix in a little snack eating, old school board game playing, and VHS movie watching. Have I mentioned how great it is yet? No?

Just a small sample of our drink station for the week.

This time we took all of our dogs since we'd be up there for almost a week.  They had such a good time playing in the snow, and it was my little Molly-Mo's first time seeing the white stuff!  We lounged, had a snow ball fight, made snow angels, and attempted to make a snowman but the snow just wasn't ready yet.

Molly enjoying the snow and trying to steal her Dad's hotdog!

"Look Aun Sam! I a snow angel!"

Our nights were filled with eating (we made a full-on turkey dinner with all the fixin's for one night!), stroking the fire, and setting up our fire pit on the deck.  We'd sit outside and roast some 'mallow's, drinking to our hearts content, and just enjoying being together as a family. 

Christmas lights, the deck, the fire pit, life is GOOD

The kiddo's and I made a gingerbread house, which Haus-Pooch promptly ate, and we even set up a Christmas tree complete with a small white elephant gift exchange.

Sofie Jo decorating our tree

Haus (Background) decided he liked gingerbread, he ate everything in the front!

We had such a good time that Brian and me, and his parents decided to stay an extra night.  We came back the Sunday before Christmas Eve.  This trip was so amazing that I'm still thinking about it, weeks later.  It was just what the doctor ordered before the craziness of the holidays and having to come back to work. It has definitely got me looking forward to the next time we can escape! Family vacations are the best!

Weighty Issues

I've changed this blog about a million times.  I've added posts, deleted posts, started fresh and then not written at all. How annoying! I'm finally to a point where I realize that I'm writing for me, and that's what matters.  I don't have to link to a million people to try and gain an audience - and if someone stumbles upon me an likes what they read, great!  If not, I'll move it on and be just fine.

That being said, it's not new for me to talk about my weight.  It sucks.  A big fat one. I've been up and down like a roller coaster and it's just not a fun ride anymore.  I want the hell off of it!  

The fact that my wedding is less than 5 months away has come up and slapped me right in the face. It's time to face facts -  I'm fat.  I'm embarrassed by how I look in pictures, case in point:

This was taken over the holidays at a family get together.  I bought the shirt because it was layered and I thought it would hide some of my flub.  WRONG! Try again!!  Look at the chunk-a-lunk face and the rolls.  Yikes.

So of course as the new year was rung in, I knew that was my time to get with it.  I signed up for SparkPeople and started counting my calories.  I also hit the 30 Day Shred pretty damn hard and I was ROCKING it.  I was SO proud of myself ... I did 4 solid days - which doesn't seem like much - but for someone who sits on the couch with her DVR usually, it's big.

Then, it happened.

I got sick.

I went out with the girls Thursday night and killed it at the bar - meaning I ordered a salad and stuck to my Bacardi and diets. I was super proud! I went home with a sore throat but chalked it up to yelling across a table for 4 hours.  Nope.  Woke up on Friday and got smacked in the face with a nasty cold. 

I'm smart enough to know that a cold isn't the end of the world. I ate decently over the weekend, but didn't get off the couch to track my calories so I know I went over.  

It's just so....FRUSTRATING.  I wanted to get up and work out, so I changed clothes and stretched only to throw myself into a coughing fit that said "nope...not ready yet!" Lame, party of one?!

All of my friends have hopped on the healthy wagon which is awesome - but I want to be on it too!  I want this to work so badly and I'm terrified of failing.  What if I can't fit into my wedding dress?! I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and be disappointed in myself and my weight. Even as silly as it sounds to say that out loud!

Also - Brian and I want a family, big time.  I'll probably be off of the pill by the end of the summer. And I don't want to skyrocket over 200 lbs when I'm pregnant!  I want to start off our family by being healthy - not a big unhealthy mess!

I will say that I'm finally getting over the dumb cold. Yesterday I was bound and determined and I succeeded.  I went home, put on work out clothes and hopped on the elliptical.  I put on Monday's The Biggest Loser and I went to town.  Before I knew it, I had gone for 80 minutes and the episode was over! I was SUPER proud of myself!  Buuuuttt then I got off and hocked up a lung on the bedroom floor.  Fun!

Fingers are still crossed that this is a battle I WILL win!  Stay tuned for updates....

Dress Time

Growing up I would always think and dream about my wedding, but those dreams were always pretty hazy.  I didn't have a clue what my "perfect" dress would be, nor what I would want my girls to wear.  So when it came down to planning and picking things out I felt a little overwhelmed.  All the other details were pretty easy to come by - but I had my first mini meltdown when it came to picking out what my girls would wear.

Picking my colors was pretty simple.  I love pink, but a good friend had just gotten married and her wedding was pink and while it was absolutely gorgeous, it made me see that pink wasn't for me.  So after talking with Brian I decided to do red and black, with some silver accents. That gave me the start that I needed to get things going for the girls and myself.

To backtrack ... my Godmother offered to purchase my dress for me.  She lives out of town and I knew I wanted to have her be in the experience as much as possible.  So when I found out that she would be in town for a few days I quickly scheduled an appointment with David's Bridal and thought to myself "Eh, what the heck.  It'll be a quick trip and I can at least try on some dresses and get a feel for what I like and I can buy in a few months".

How wrong I was!

Salise came with me to my appointment along with my Aunt, Mom and Grammy. Salise and I got there a little early so I decided we should check out some bridesmaids dresses for the heck of it.  I didn't have a clue what I would want except that it should be short.  Our awesome consultant offered us some more of her time so that Salise could try on a few dresses along side myself in the gowns.  It was so sweet of her and really made me think about my choices.

The more racks we searched the more I knew.  I wanted the dresses to be short and black. The red they had was beautiful - but I didn't want the girls to carry white flowers because that's boring! As we looked at some options in black I was sold.  Black dresses, red flowers, red shoes, red accessories.  Simple but classy which is exactly what I'm going for with the whole wedding.

So our consultant pulled about 4 dresses for me to try on, I chose 3 for Salise and we headed off to our rooms.  Putting on that first dress was so surreal! I couldn't believe that it was actually my turn and that this was actually happening.  I totally had one of those geeky "I'm a princess!!!" moments and may or may not have jumped up and down a bit in my room.

I came out in the first dress and everyone got big smiles on their faces and gasped.  I knew it had potential!  I stepped onto the platform, looked into the mirror, and fell in love.  Every single detail was perfect. It was a ball gown, with tulle (which I thought I didn't like), and just the right amount of sparkle. I quickly tried on a few more but found myself comparing every one to the first one! Basically I walked into the store thinking it would just be a trial and walked out with my dress! Unfortunately I can't copy the picture and I'm not about to post one of me in it yet! I also got all my under things, veil and a tiara.  I walked out of that place in shock, that's for sure!!

As for the ladies, Salise tried on 3 and I liked them all.  So we made an appointment for the rest of the girls to come and try things on.  They all have a big range in body types so I wanted to find something that they would all feel comfortable in.  Right before the appointment Salise texted me with a link to a dress that I didn't even notice the first time we were there.  I didn't really like it in the picture but said I'd check it out.

Insert: Mini meltdown!!

It is SO hard to figure out what other people should wear!  I got there before all of the girls and pulled out all 4 dresses on the racks.  I walked between each dress about a million and a half times before they arrived. I was critiquing the crap out of each one and was about ready to put them all back and start from scratch!  Thankfully Salise showed up just then and helped me to calm my nerves.

Anywho...long novel shortened a bit, the 3 we had originally chosen turned out to be duds. A few of the girls have big ole T's and that eliminated 2 of them right away.  The third was a maybe but it just seemed too "blah".  So they all went back in their rooms to try on the 4th - which was the one Salise had texted to me.

They all ended up coming out of their rooms at about the same time, and I was in LOVE! It's this dress and I really wasn't in love with the material, until I saw it in person. It fit all of my girls in all the right areas big and small - and the most important part, they were all comfortable in it! SOLD!

I started this post in early December .... and then of course, life happened.  I'm in full-on wedding mode and I can't wait to talk about more details and see this all come to life! Less than 5 months away! WOW!!!!

The Girls

As we mingled with everyone at our engagement party, the questions started to fly.

"Do you know what date you're thinking about yet?"
"What about a place?"
"Who will be your maid of honor?"
"Do you want to get married in the church?"

It was SO overwhelming.  My go-to answer was "umm....no, I just got engaged 5 minutes ago I'm still trying to soak this in!"

But, being the anxious person that I am, I got to planning right away. Brian's mom used to be a wedding planner of sorts and she had already scared me to death by saying "You should get on things as soon as you can. Places book up very quickly and you want to have options to look into when you set a date!"  So, set a date I did and the planning began.

One of the first things I did was to form my side of the wedding party.  B and I talked about who we'd like to have and settled on the number. 7 Was the lucky number for both of us. That's right, our wedding party will be 16 (including the flower girl and our ring security). We just have too many darn friends and family!!

As a self admitted Pinterest addict ... I looked through probably hundreds of ideas about how to ask my girls to stand up with me at my wedding.  Everything just seemed too cheesy.  I hated the corny poems, and the little ring boxes saying things like "Now it's my turn to pop the question". Totally not me.

So I bought some simple monogrammed cards at good ole Tar-jay (kicking myself for not having pictures!) and wrote each girl a small but very personal note asking each of them to be my MOH/bridesmaid.  Without further ado - my ladies....

Salise will be my Maid of Honor.  She and I have been friends since the first day of high school. She lived with me for awhile back in those days as well.  She's been one of the few people in my life who has always told me things like they were/are.  Even if it may not be in the nicest of ways all the time, I've always appreciated her honesty. She's' been through a lot this year and it's made her an even better person inside and out.  She's going to be a great MOH!

Janean is my oldest friend.  We've known each other since our days in preschool taking naps together at  good 'ole Alphabet Junction. She married my best guy friend, Jay, a few years back and them being together has taught me so much about relationships and marriage. She is also the main reason that Brian and I are together.  She encouraged me to put myself out there and I am so so thankful that she did!!

Stephy came into our "crew" about 6 years ago. She was super quiet at first and I didn't think we'd ever have much in common. I was SO wrong. Over the years she has become one of the most patient, caring and understanding friends I've ever had. She's also about to burst with her first baby and I can't wait to squeeze that kid!!

Jess is Steph's sister and came into our group a little after Steph did.  Again, I'd never guess our friendship would turn into what it has. For many years there we were pretty out of control and we had a blast running wild together.  She was the epitome of a partner in crime and we have made a ton of memories traveling together for random concerts and also working together in the business she owns. Jess has got to be the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known and is one of the few people I can talk to about my deep dark scary secrets. She's quite a riot!

Lauren, oh, my sweet Chicky.  We had a rough start.  We've also known each other from high school but we didn't become close until the past few years.  We completely misunderstood each other and we needed some time to figure the other out.  Sad to say some super rough times brought us together, but I'm so glad that they did.  Chicky will give you the shirt off of her back if you needed it and she always goes out of the way to make sure you have everything you need.  I'm so thankful that we worked out our ridiculous drama and that she'll be up at that alter with me on the big day!!!

Jenny is Brian's sister which obviously makes her my soon to be SIL. She has been welcoming and accepting of me since day 1.  Brian is the baby so sometimes sisters can be overprotective and kind of mean to put it nicely.  That's not Jen at all.  I felt like a part of the family right away and she is an absolute blast to hang out with.

And last but not least, Valerie.  She's Brian's cousin and he debated putting her on his side instead, but I'm glad that he didn't! Val is pretty much Brian's second sister.  Just like Jenny, she was so inviting and welcoming to me when we first started dating.  She'll do anything for her family and I'm so excited to get to officially call her my cousin as well!

Oh!  I can't forget about my little munchkin Sofia! Sof is Jenny's daughter and my soon to be niece. She'll have just finished 1st grade when we get married and acts like she's 6 going on 17. She's creative, gorgeous, and has such a  big heart - especially when it comes to her baby brother Samuel.

That sums up my side of the par-tay.  Next up comes the fun details ... the dresses, the shoes, the veils, oh my!!

I'm Getting Married!

After years of swearing that I'd be the crazy cat lady - and a few more in which I was convinced that my handsome love would never pop THE question, I'm actually engaged.  And have been for about 6 months now, to be exact! I feel like I'm already forgetting the small details of our engagement (to be totally cliche) was completely magical and I don't want to keep forgetting it, nor any of the other great things that I've done to prepare thus far.

May 30th, 2012
Otherwise known as the Day of my Doom.
Also known as our 2 year anniversary.

I scheduled myself to have my wisdom teeth taken out that day which was not the smartest idea I've ever had. It was a Wednesday and Brian kept talking about celebrating our anniversary. He knows I'm a wimp when it comes to healing and pain so he kept telling me that he he hoped I'd be recovered enough by the weekend to celebrate. Needless to say, I. Was. Miserable. I was bruised, swollen, and a big fat baby. He kept taking care of me and doing whatever I needed to make me get better. Such a love!

Saturday, June 2, 2012
I was finally feeling decent enough to get out of the house. We ran some errands and stopped at Applebee's so he could eat and I could try to slurp down some soup. The entire day he was jumpy and nervous and was driving me crazy. He kept blaming it on the fact that he had just quit his job and having "nothing to do" was making him antsy.

As we got home and he started eating dinner the ants and his pants got worse. We're talking jiggly legs, pacing, and pouring himself some pretty stiff drinks.  After I commented on his behavior for the hundredth time he finally gave in.

"Fine, you already know we're celebrating our anniversary tomorrow so I'm gonna go ahead and tell you part of it now" he said. So he disappeared into the other room and came back with a card and a small wrapped package.  I knew it had to be good - Brian NEVER gets me cards.  He doesn't think he's good at picking them out which I think is nuts, but whatev.

So, I open the present and it's a 5 Hour Energy drink. Uhh really babe? How romantic! He told me to read the card which would make me understand the drink.

Que: Instant meltdown in a good way.

The card was really simple, and he started off by writing me a sweet note to tell me how much he loved me, and how much he was committed to our relationship.

He ended the note by saying that the energy drink would be needed in the morning because we were getting up at the crack of dawn to crew and go up in a hot air balloon!

AHHHHHHHH!!!! Was pretty much my reaction.  I've ALWAYS wanted to go up in a balloon and I couldn't believe he had made this dream come true!!

What made it even better? Brian's terrified of heights. He shakes like a leaf just getting on the ladder to grab something from the attic. So I knew this was going to be an anniversary to remember - he put aside that extreme fear to make one of my all time dreams come true!!!

I quickly put the ice back on my face and said a few prayers that my foundation was strong enough to cover the rest of the bruises my surgeon had kindly left on my cheeks. I was so excited!  Sleep was hard to come by that night, and I was up well before we needed to be to get ready for our celebration.

We started out at an elementary school right behind Jenny's house. Our friend Matt had arranged everything with one of his friends, and we quickly signed our lives away on waivers, and began to inflate the balloon.

The inside of our beautiful balloon, right before take off.

Before I knew it we were ready to hop in and lift off.  I was practically jumping up and down with excitement, and my poor love looked like he was about to pass out. He was holding onto the side of the balloon for dear life and our amazing pilot Sharon laughed and said "Just be careful how hard you squeeze that ... the gas line for the burner is under that padding!".  Brian looked even more terrified at that point and I just laughed!

We lifted off and I began rapidly taking pictures and taking in the sights.  It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever done and I couldn't believe it was actually happening.

It was a touch breezy, so Sharon wasn't sure how long we'd be able to stay in the air if the winds didn't change as we got higher.  I think deep down Brian was praying for a shortened flight so he wouldn't have to be up high anymore!  So within a few minutes of our lift off I felt the balloon shift a little.  I stopped taking pictures and turned around to see him trying very hard to get down onto one knee with a small black box in his hand. That's when the shock hit.

The best shot our pilot could get while trying to keep our balloon in the air and capture the moment!

To be perfectly honest ... I don't remember what he said.  I was so completely overwhelmed with the situation and with staring at the beautiful ring that I'm pretty sure that I drifted a level deeper into shock.  I know he told me how much he loved me, and again how committed he was to our relationship and he was willing to overcome the heights thing to show me - and that he wanted to spend forever with me and asked if I would marry him.  I was completely caught off guard so I just kept interrupting him saying "yes!!!" "yes!!!"

Engaged and in shock!

Annnnd then I did what any newly engaged woman would do to her brand new fiancé .... I yelled at him to get the ring back in his pocket because I was scared to take it out of the box and have it slip out of the balloon to it's poor diamond covered death. I'm sweet!

I spent the rest of the flight in complete shock and awe.  It was so beautiful out and I really couldn't believe he had planned everything ... but the surprises didn't end there!

We flew right over Jenny's house (left) seconds after he proposed!

We landed and helped pack the balloon away.

Beautiful balloon and amazing crew!

The ring didn't quite fit, so I was obsessed with getting back to the car and getting it to the jewelers so that sucker could be sparkling on my finger quicker than you can say "engaged".  But as we neared the elementary school I got another surprise as the pilot (who was know driving all of us) turned onto Jenny's street instead of continuing onto the school.  I just looked at Brian but he wouldn't say a word.  All he kept telling me was to not touch my phone because he didn't want me telling the world yet.  That should have been a clue, but I was too busy living on Could 9 to notice anything.

We rounded the corner to Jenny's house and I turned around to see tons of cars, and hear tons of clapping and cheering.

My sneaky, sneaky new fiancé had not only told his family, but had also gotten to my best friend Salise who spread the word like wild fire that he was going to pop the question.  They all got up at the crack of dawn and drove across town to meet us at Jenny's after the big moment.  I was met with hugs, cheers, and champagne (which I couldn't dang drink thanks to the bubbles and the gaping holes in my mouth.  Stupid teeth!!). Brian's family had cooked a massive breakfast and we were all together to celebrate.  It was complete bliss.

I was never the type of girl to have a "dream" proposal mapped out in my head ... but if I did, I'm almost positive it would be 100% exactly like what Brian planned out. I'm so thankful!