Some Jillian Wisdom

Last night I had the workout from hell.  No, I didn't use a personal trainer and get my ass handed to me.  Not even close.  I did 30DS in my living room, and attempted the elliptical.  I just could NOT get myself motivated!  The battery of my HRM died (I hope that's the problem) and I'm kinda glad it did because I'm sure my "burn" would have been pretty pathetic.  I even watched The Biggest Loser trying to use THAT to kick it up a notch.  Oh well.  At least I did it.

Jillian did, however, have some words of wisdom that really hit home.  I deleted the episode like a dummy, but she was talking to Francelina and said something like "you gain, you lose, you gain, you lose, then you self sabotage". 

Ding ding ding ding!!  I totally have been doing that!! For like, 2 years!

Let's take a little walk through time, shall we?  Rewind: October, 2009.  I knew I was tipping the scales, and especially knew it when I saw this picture from that Halloween:

I don't know why this turned out blurry, but whatev, you get the message.

It took me a few months, but finally that January I joined Weight Watchers weight in at about 179.  I dropped 25 lbs in about 3-4ish months.  I was feeling on top of the world, and that's when Brian and I started dating.  

I'm on the far left in case you couldn't recognize me by the skinny face!

In the first 5 months we were together and falling in looovvvee (cue: collective aaahhhhh sighs!) I totally blew WW off and did whatever I wanted.  That meant letting him cook me breakfasts filled with pancakes, bacon, waffles.  Going to dinner and not thinking twice about Points of calories or anything. So within those first few months I gained every. single. pound. back.

Why no, I'm not 7 months pregnant.  That's just my chub!

From then on I'd join WW, lose about 8-10 lbs, get frustrated or make up another excuse, and quit. Then I'd gain that weight back, lose it again, and so on.  But in the past few years I haven't been able to get below 175 and when I started with Spark People and counting calories at the end of December, I weighted in at a whopping 190.  Yikes.  

When Brian and I were getting ready to take our engagement pictures in November, I had to buy a size 14 jean.  That's the largest size I've ever been, and I'm so ashamed of it.  

I didn't have a huge epiphany when I heard Jillian say those words about self sabotage .... but something in my brain did click.  I KNOW I sabotage myself - it's just hard to put my finger on WHY I do.

I always try to remember how good I felt when I had lost all the wait in 2010. It was the night that Brian and I were to arrange our first date and my whole group of friends was to meet at our friend J's house to watch some UFC.  Trying to figure out what to wear so I would look cute, I pulled out a pair of non-stretch Old Navy jeans.  I had bought them when I worked there for about 4 bucks, thinking they'd fit.  Well, they never did, but I held onto them because they were 4 bucks. I giggled at myself for even wanting to try them on, but I did anyway.  To my SHOCK, they fit PERFECTLY.  With even a teeny tiny bit of room to spare.

No joke...I happy danced myself all over my room.  I jumped around, fist pumped, and partied like it was 1999.

THAT'S the feeling that I want to have again.  I want to be THAT proud of myself.  I want to NOT freak out when someone notices I've dropped a few pounds and think to myself "Well, you're gonna get stuck and don't wanna hear it from people, so go ahead and get that large extra value meal!"

YaknowwhatI'msayin?!

So, to make a long ramble short, THAT is my goal.  That feeling.  I don't care what the scale says (ok, liar liar pants on fire I do care a little bit).  I just want to feel good again.  So I'll keep thinking of Jillian's words, and stop with the self sabotage already!!!